Numb
by McTuckerAddict
Summary: I lose it completely. It's as though I'm watching a movie, i feel none of this. I watch myself collapse onto my side and pull my knees to my chest, my mouth open in a silent scream of agony. I watch myself sob like a girl as the rain clears up, my shivering form shaking it's head and muttering incomprehensible words.


Numb

I rub my eyes, the light blinding. Swing my legs over the side of the bed, sighing heavily as the cold sets into my bones. I move to crack my knuckles but my breath hitches in my throat, making me stop mid-motion.

You hated it when i did that. You used to tell me it sounded like i was cracking my bones every morning, and that it was bad for my hands. To make it even better, you would go on this spiel about arthritis and all these complications that could result from me cracking my knuckles. And you thought you were stupid.

So i tried to stop.

To make you happy.

But now that you're gone, it's easy to forget.

I stretch and plant my feet on the carpeted ground, shuffling over to my mirror. I squint at my reflection. Dark hair pointed up at all angles, eyes only half open, clothes ruffled and disheveled.

I used to question why you loved the way i looked in the morning.

And you would yawn and shoot a question right back, in your tired morning voice that i loved. _"Why does the sun rise?"_

You were very poetic.

I sigh again and pull my hat over my hair, dragging myself into the bathroom to brush my teeth. I remember how we would stand at this sink every morning, laughing as the foam dribbles down our chins and you would tell me i looked like a zombie from that movie we'd watched the night before.

I was watching that movie.

I remember the feeling of your hand in mine, our fingers intertwined like the strands of in a rope. I remember how you practically jumped into my lap when something surprising happened and how you fell asleep on my shoulder as the credits started rolling because it was already two o'clock in the morning and we were both exhausted-

I stop thinking when i feel hot tears running down my face.

This will be the third day I've left for school with deep red tear tracks on my skin.

You haunt me.

You've haunted me since i found you in your bedroom in a pool of your own blood.

Something told me something was wrong when i called you and you didn't pick up. So i walked- more like ran- all the way to your house across town and climbed in through your window, because that's what we did when we wanted to surprise each other.

I got the worst surprise i could have ever gotten.

I shove my feet into my sneakers and pull a sweatshirt over my head, cramming my phone into my back pocket as i shoulder my backpack. Wiping my face with the back of my hand i throw open the door and trudge down the steps, swallowing the lump that's formed in my throat. I walk alone to the bus stop, meeting with an equally as sullen Daniel. He sighs at me and i look down, feeling guilty about the dark purple bags under his eyes.

"You look horrible." He says quietly, shifting his weight from foot to foot.

"Ditto."

"It's hard." He whispers, as though he's talking to himself. I glance over at him and see his shoulders sag, his eyes falling closed.

I feel bad for him.

We board the school bus and he slides into the seat next to Kyle, who stares out the window with a dazed look in his eyes. I walk all the way to the back seat, where we used to sit together with our knees pressed against the green vinyl. We would draw in permanent marker and stifle laughs and just be idiots in general.

The bus comes to a halt in front of the school and i walk off with everyone else, the weather dreary and dismal. How fitting.

I pinch the dial on my lock between my fingers and twist, remembering how just hours before i found you you were at my side, babbling and smiling and laughing in that amazing way you always did.

My chest tightens and i draw in a breath through my teeth, squeezing my eyes shut.

The first few periods go by in a blur, and i feel like I'm trapped in those storm clouds hovering over the world as though they'll swallow in whole. At lunch i stare at the table, trying to focus on just trying to breathe.

That's what you told me to do when i felt like this. Just. Breathe.

Tweek lays a hand on my shoulder. I sigh in response, shaking my head. I know what he's asking just by the look in his eyes. He knows. He knows I'm not okay. But what he's worrying about is that I'm never going to be okay.

And i don't think i ever will be.

I walk home early, not really caring about what I'm going to miss or how it will affect me. It starts to rain as i near my house, but i don't speed up. The rain seeps into my clothes and my hair and chills me past my skin, past my muscles and my blood and my bones, freezing my soul.

I sit on the porch swing in my backyard and let the rain mix with my tears as i remember all the days we would sit back here, reading the poetry you wrote or found or heard.

I can recite the last one you ever told me, on our anniversary. If i close my eyes i can see the sun lighting up your blonde hair and the way your lips curled around the words, your voice like honey.

_"I've always loved this one." You start, looking up at me with your twinkling blue-green-gray eyes._

I miss those eyes more than anything.

_"So read it to me." I say, smiling down at you. Your smile grows, crinkling the skin around your eyes as you shrug._

_"I remember it by heart."_

A strangled noise fights its way out of my throat as my mother opens the screen door, her voice drowned out by the rain falling rapidly around me.

_"Then say it to me."_

_"Okay. But i want you to guess the title." I nod and my hand tightens around yours._

_"We are light refracted through the air_

_We are reflections in glacial lakes; we are Calcium, Carbon and Water_

_Woven into braids_

_Fractal under the microscope_

_We are Crystals_

_We grow from the Earth_

_Emergent_

_Transcendent._

_A summer kiss on the ear_

_Is the rose bud blossoming to the air?_

_Matter_

_Crossing into a new plane._

_Or is it more like wandering_

_Into an unseen Path in the wood?" You pause and close your eyes, leaning your head on my shoulder._

_"Is that all?"_

_"No. Shut up, asshole, you're ruining the vibe." You say, laughing slightly._

_Your laugh was always contagious._

_"Go on then, I'm waiting. You're cutting into my super busy schedule here." I joke._

_"Yeah, sure. Cause you're Mr. Popular." You say, rolling your eyes with a smile._

That goddamn smile. It makes my heart beat and my blood pump in my ears and my throat tighten.

_"We are little cities_

_Some immigrate_

_Some emigrate._

_The calcified Locals_

_Watch the ships come and go_

_Out of the harbor, and_

_The Smugglers prowl_

_Through the notches_

_As they age, brittle;_

_As Blood and Spittle_

_With looser morals_

_Find Paths of their own_

_With pathogens in tow_

_We are Multiplicities_

_We are Cosmos_

_Spinning into infinite cycles_

_With Sisyphean futility._

_We are a paradox of entropy_

_Informational energy;_

_Spiral galaxies_

_Of Hydrogen, curving_

_Into snail shell_

_Of Calcium;_

_We are rivers of Carbon_

_And Golden Ratios._

_Ordered Chaos._

_We are_

_Anti-Vacuums._

_We are_

_Something_

_Rather than_

_Nothing,_

_And sometimes that's all you've got going for you._

_And then there are the times_

_When we become the characters of our films_

_And are forced_

_To watch ourselves_

_And interpret every Movement_

_Every Tw!tch_

_We make, knowing_

_Somewhere_

_Some-One_

_Is likely_

_Watching!_

_And then…_

_We are Gods,_

_Folding microcosms into_

_Macrocosms._

_A baker kneading bread;_

_Hands dusty with flour._

_We are whole Universes_

_We create the world we inhabit_

_We sculpt it_

_Flip it_

_Shape it into a Map_

_That will only ever graze_

_The Territory_

_So when you're standing before a Mirror_

_With Your Reflection staring at you;_

_And He's an inhabitant of_

_That infinite chasm_

_Within Your cranium—_

_How do you know,_

_Who is staring at Who?"_

_You draw in a breath and wrap your arm around me, your wide smile softening into a small curve of your lips._

_"Guess." You say as i curl an arm around your waist._

_"I have no idea. You know I'm bad at interpreting your poetry. I'm not as smart as you." You scoff, slightly bitterly, and roll your eyes._

_"Just guess." You say, your grin returning. So to humor you i rattle off a few obvious guesses and you laugh and shake your head at every one._

_"It's called Windows."_

I lose it completely. It's as though I'm watching a movie, i feel none of this. I watch myself collapse onto my side and pull my knees to my chest, my mouth open in a silent scream of agony. I watch myself sob like a girl as the rain clears up, my shivering form shaking it's head and muttering incomprehensible words.

All those amazing memories come flooding at me all at once.

That time it was pouring and we didn't have an umbrella, so you gave me your precious parka.

Or the time we went to Stark's Pond to watch the stars.

Or the first time we kissed;

Or hugged;

Or held hands;

Or cried;

Or laughed.

A lot of my firsts were stolen by you.

I feel my heart finally snap;

My mind finally fall silent;

My eyes finally close.

I think I've finally died.

I think I've finally given up.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

So there you have it. I hope i didn't make anyone cry! This is the first fanfiction i've posted, so i don't really know how anyone is going to react to it. But i hope you guys do cause you're stuck with me :)


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